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Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Hot intense passionate flame. Long, old and forgotten

The man bent over, digging.  Digging, digging, digging.  Pushing away every thought.  Just to rest, for just one minute, to get away from everything.  When he was digging he forgot about his task, his damn impossible task.  
The earth moved so easily.  It did exactly what he wanted.
When he was digging, he forgot about -- her.  
There was a noise behind him.  A soft noise, barely perceptible.  But he heard it.  The noise was so foreign and so… familiar.
She was there.  Like always.  just There.  Always waiting, in the crowd.  Never asking for anything, but always wanting Everything.
He turned back to his digging.  Her presence burned into his back, into his mind, like a hot intense passionate flame, long, old and forgotten. Into his heart.
He felt his feet pushing him up and twisting, turning…
His breath caught.
“Why are you here?”
She didn’t answer but her beauty called him like a siren.  It was impossible to ignore and his feet carried him to her.  like Always.  
 “They told me that you were here.”  Her eyes bore into his, searching, accusing.
“I know.”
“I had to see you.”
“I know.”
He sighed and sat on the bench.  She sat next to him.  
His hand automatically went for hers.  It was an old habit. 
The man smiled.  “Remember when you set off that firecracker?  And the Old Man walked up as you were about to set it on fire?”
Now he was laughing.  
“As soon as you saw him, you immediately donned that look of humility but at the same time you reached down and lit the wick, without breaking eye contact with him.”
 “Yes, and I still remember the scolding.”
They were both laughing now, the passage of life making it funnier than it was at the time.
After a while, their laughter died and they talked quietly.  Both trying to avoid the thing that lay between them, almost as real as the bench they were sitting on and the sun in the sky.  
After a while, he knew that he needed to get back to his digging.  He had to do his part, finish his work.  Others were relying on him.
He stood up.
Her face revealed truth.  Desperation.  
She reached out for him but didn’t touch him and instead held her hand in the air, hesitating for a second and then it swung limply at her side.
“I had to see you,” she repeated.
“I know,” he whispered softly.  He caught that look on her face.  And his heart was breaking, tearing, shredding.  
He turned.  He could not watch her humiliation.  Again.
“Why?” So quiet.  Did he really hear it?
“What?”  Feigning innocence.  Trying, and failing, to avoid the pain.
He shouldn’t have sat next to her.  He should’ve avoided coming outside and he shouldn’t have brought up the past.

He knew, knew that it brought only pain.
He knew it because he embraced it.  It motivated him, pushed him, drove him.  He never let it go; it stayed with him always.

But she didn’t embrace it.

She stood up and moved to face him.
“I don’t understand.”
A single tear trailed from her eye and he wanted to wipe it away, to wipe it away.
But he didn’t.
He shook his head, “I can’t.”
This time, she stared at him defiantly, daring him to walk away.  

This time, he couldn’t.

He couldn’t lift up his foot, to walk away from her.  Again.
She reached up and brushed away his hair in his eyes.  “You never learned how to tame it.”  Soft. Sweet. 
Her sweetness Broke him.
Long, old and forgotten.
In his mind, he reached for her.  Crushed his lips to hers and tasted her like he’d imagined he could do a million times.  This time, he walked away from responsibility and tasks and from destiny. He held her tight and Never Let Go. 

She knew she was so close.  She could taste it.
She had never in her life been so close to persuading him.
She wanted it so badly she could feel it in every single space of her body.  Her fingers ached to feel him, her heart longed to never be separated from him again.  Her eyes yearned to see him every day, every second, every nano second.
Even if it meant leaving everything she ever knew behind.
She would do it, without hesitation.

And then she could sense the exact moment that he made his decision, his decision to reject her again and everything in her Broke. 
She knew that he wanted her.
But something kept him from giving in to her.
And she understood his sacrifice to something.  And that it broke him too.
But this time, his rejection, and the finality of it, broke her so deeply, so profoundly, that she would never recover.
This time, she’d let herself hope again.  She could not stop the intensity of her feelings.  Without her permission, it broke out in her face.
She pushed it back so he wouldn’t see it.
Wouldn’t see how he’d disappointed her because she didn’t want him to feel her it.
But he did see it.
 “I have to go,” she said.
He nodded, even though she couldn’t see him because he'd turned away from her. 

And she walked away.

And even as she walked away she couldn’t help but hope that he would call out to her.  She knew in her mind that he wouldn’t, but her heart couldn’t help but hope for it.
Of course, her mind was right; it always was.
And even now her mind couldn’t help it, because reasoning could be strange sometimes, and wonder if he had to hold himself back from calling out to her.  
She would never know the answer that question.

My name is Fleur.  And this is my blog.

This is a portion of my novella which will be published December 25th, 2015

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